What are you thinking?

Haleyhayhay wrote:I'm sorry, Jess. I get sensitive a lot, too. I would be your verbal body guard iF we lived near, though! Maybe try focusing on personal power mantras. Think to yourself, 'I am' followed by positive things. .(paragraph)I am thinking it's unacceptable that i'm 22 and have never been to a rave. This really needs to change.

Me either Haley! I'd really like to see what they're like.

So I guess I'm a full-time addictions counselor now. Trippy.

Emma! let's party it up! j/k i'm so below poverty level. visiting Ireland seems like it would be awesome though, from scenery i've seen online. (paragraph /this phone sucks) Congrats Natascha. sounds like that will be an interesting learning experience.

Congratulations Tascha! I must say I'm very jealous. I'm currently trying to figure out where my life will lead and so far I haven't even got the smallest clue.

great site Ro, and thanks to Haley for linking it to me (it's Larry by the way)

I would post more, but since spilling rum on my keyboard I've had to resort to using an on-screen keyboard until the replacement arrives.

Oooooh, old school emoticons, nice.

Sometimes I think that I want to die, that things are too overwhelming. Sometimes I think that I'm horrible and disgusting and should just crawl into a hovel and cry until I pass out everyday for the rest of my life. Sometimes, when I leave my family's house after a visit, I think that they could die at any second, one of them could die while I'm driving home, and that would be it and my life would change forever, for the worse, all in a second. Sometimes I think I will lose all sense of myself and detach from reality completely. Sometimes I think it's all too much all the time and I just want it to stop.

Those thoughts will always be there, and those weave in and out of my consciousness all the time. But I'm getting better at not being scared of them anymore. Eventually, they all float away like leaves floating on a stream. They'll float down and away and are gone soon enough. They might come back, but that's okay. That just might be how I am, at least for now. I'm not scared of my depression/anxiety/depersonalization anymore. It's just a part of me; it's normal for me. I can work around it to get the most out of life. My not-normalness isn't a judgment from the universe, it just is. I get to work around it and I get to have a full life. I don't need drugs, I just need to relax. I won't fall apart if I just sit and be still for a bit.

/response to major life changes

natascha wrote:Sometimes I think that I want to die, that things are too overwhelming. Sometimes I think that I'm horrible and disgusting and should just crawl into a hovel and cry until I pass out everyday for the rest of my life. Sometimes, when I leave my family's house after a visit, I think that they could die at any second, one of them could die while I'm driving home, and that would be it and my life would change forever, for the worse, all in a second. Sometimes I think I will lose all sense of myself and detach from reality completely. Sometimes I think it's all too much all the time and I just want it to stop.

Those thoughts will always be there, and those weave in and out of my consciousness all the time. But I'm getting better at not being scared of them anymore. Eventually, they all float away like leaves floating on a stream. They'll float down and away and are gone soon enough. They might come back, but that's okay. That just might be how I am, at least for now. I'm not scared of my depression/anxiety/depersonalization anymore. It's just a part of me; it's normal for me. I can work around it to get the most out of life. My not-normalness isn't a judgment from the universe, it just is. I get to work around it and I get to have a full life. I don't need drugs, I just need to relax. I won't fall apart if I just sit and be still for a bit.

/response to major life changes

*hugs* Everything is and will always be ok. The fact that you have those thoughts is okay. It's also okay to not have those thoughts.

It says here that it's Kunimitsu's birthday? Not sure if that's correct since it doesn't say so on fb. But, Happy Birthday!!!

Haleyhayhay wrote:It says here that it's Kunimitsu's birthday? Not sure if that's correct since it doesn't say so on fb. But, Happy Birthday!!!

His birthday's on Sunday!

Haleyhayhay wrote:It's also okay to not have those thoughts.

I think that's just what I needed to hear. I never would have thought of that. Thanks, my dear.

Haleyhayhay wrote:It says here that it's Kunimitsu's birthday? Not sure if that's correct since it doesn't say so on fb. But, Happy Birthday!!!

Heh, tried to hide my birthday on Facebook so I could avoid the avalanche of notifications. Here's hoping it works on the day.

Kunimitsu wrote:

Haleyhayhay wrote:It says here that it's Kunimitsu's birthday? Not sure if that's correct since it doesn't say so on fb. But, Happy Birthday!!!

Heh, tried to hide my birthday on Facebook so I could avoid the avalanche of notifications. Here's hoping it works on the day.

Happy Birthday (possibly)!!!!

I've been a crab ass the past couple of days. Wowz. I think the migraine, 40hr work week and the stress of trying to help my mom out did me in a bit. Or something like that. Also, my paycheck issue: so I drive in to town to pick up my paycheck a day after payday, with a half hour to get to the bank. I get to the office and they tell me that if I don't pick it up by 4pm on pay day, they mail it to me. Of course the mail didn't come until after 3pm and so I have an overdraft fee. Gr. I'mma go make stress relief tea.

I'm also having some work check issues. My boss is NOT on the up and up, so everyones checks have been bouncing, so he just stopped giving them to us. I have bill collectors knocking on my door and my power is getting shut off tomorrow if I don't come up with the money.

That's awful. I hope you still have power.

I have to have a Talk with L soon about whether or not he'll be moving with me. It's weighing on my mind and I don't need that sort of distraction. So I've asked him to speak to his parents about it, or anyone he believes should be informed, and then we can sit down and figure it out because so far we've just had little parts of conversations about it. I gave him a deadline of the end of March well over a month ago, with the idea that he might have thought it out and decided on something but it's becoming clear he's not going to do it on his own, so.

'Thanks haley. have a good day.' 'yep thanks you too.' should i have said you're welcome? Does it offend people when i just say yep? its just so uncomfortable receiving gratitude.

Haleyhayhay wrote:'Thanks haley. have a good day.' 'yep thanks you too.' should i have said you're welcome? Does it offend people when i just say yep? its just so uncomfortable receiving gratitude.

I for some reason perform a weird flail motion with my arms whenever gratitude/compliments are thrown my way, followed with a weird 'nyahhhwh' sound. I'm incapable of accepting either of these sentiments.

I have a coffee date on Sunday. I don't really want to start dating again, though.

Jess: So, don't?

My random thought: I think I've finally half-solved my dissertation problem. My experiment is on the effect of fear on memory and suggestibility and I predicted that people who had been scared would be more prone to suggestibility. However, there was no effect of the experimental condition on number of 5 possible answers that contained misinformation. But! There was for the control condition and so I think I've figured out why those participants wouldn't have processed all the information and therefore be more likely to be prone to suggestibility. I haven't yet figured out why the same wouldn't be true for the experimental condition though

Right now my thoughts are solely focused on my dissertation and I feel like I need someone to read it and view it from a critical point of view. I'm so close to it (obviously) and I've done everything I can think of to it but I'm scared that it's clunky and inconsistent and maybe a little incoherent but I don't have faith in my own abilities to see that, or how I could fix it. I wish this was a service offered by *someone* haha. And my supervisors aren't really very supportive either. I had a meeting with my second one (my first one left the uni but promised to stay in touch and she has, sort of) today and most of the meeting was me trying to tell him what my experiment was about because he literally just couldn't remember. And I know when we met first he said that he's a very busy man (which is why he was the back-up) and I get that, but it's fucking terrifying to realise that your supervisor doesn't actually know what you're supposed to be doing. I emailed my first one last week sometime and she still hasn't gotten back to me. She offered to give me some feedback and I really need it because I was hoping to get it done by Friday so I could have it all printed and bound well in advance of the hand-in date. Did I mention it's MONDAY?!?! I am freaking out.

/longpostsorry

I had my date and on Sunday and I really don't think we have much in common. I would like to start dating again, but right now isn't a great time in my life. I like to still go out because I don't want to miss out on an opportunity. But I just haven't found one that makes me feel that it's an opportunity instead of a distraction.

Other than that; I feel like this spring break hasn't even been a spring break. I don't want to go back to school on Monday. Blah.

That i am fucked yet again, because I was let go on Monday. They were 'cutting hours' apparently. Why the hell did you bother to take me on then?

I typed out a really long post, and then it did not go through. Basic gist: I am uncomfortable, old work colleague is being weird.

Emmaz wrote:I typed out a really long post, and then it did not go through. Basic gist: I am uncomfortable, old work colleague is being weird.

Ugh, I hate when that happens. Happens a lot on my cell phone because it decides to log me out before I'm done "typing." Also, I hate being weirded out by old work colleagues. This new guy gives me the creeps.